A large part of my work is to teach others how to clearly understand their needs as Mums and women, and then how to make clear requests to children, work colleagues, friends and family to help get those needs met. I take a lot of time with the adults I work with to endeavour to explain why I am making request or asking a certain question, so why is it I don’t always remember to do the same for my children?
On our daily dog walk to the beach today we again faced the joys of splashing, and throwing handfuls and spades full of sand in the air. After my third failed attempt to ask my youngest to stop throwing sand at his 4 year old brother, I watched my eldest sit his brother down and explain that if sand got in his eye it would really hurt and mean we would have to go home, instantly the throwing stopped and peace was resumed.
It reminded me of how often we require an action from our children and we forget to explain why to them, getting annoyed when they do not comply.
As I undertook my training as a mediator, I studied the dynamics of why communication often fails, for a large part it is where one person in a conversation, has single minded analysed a situation, worked out an outcome and then asked the other person to fit in with their plan. Not sharing, their needs, feelings, understanding and logic and certainly not remaining open to a different outcome.
If you think of the analogy of a rocket flying to the moon, only the very top of the rocket actually lands on the final destination but it took two thirds of the vehicle, now jettisoned into space to get it there. We often do the same in a conversation or when asking someone else to do something for us. If we just let others see the final outcome, they will interpret or translate the gaps from our statements or request into their view of the world. In the mind of a 21 month old like my son that would most likely translate as “I can’t throw sand because Mummy doesn’t want me doing what I want to do again”. Only when the true reasoning behind my request was shared by his big brother did it all make sense to him and he happily complied.
I am not advocating that children should always be given the reasons why something is important or necessary ,required behaviour, however my experience is that when reasons are given for something needing to happen and explained logically and rationally, often a child who sees the sense in the explanation will understand and learn why something is important, even as young as my 21 month old.
Manners is an interesting example of this; Al and I have drummed into our boys from the very beginning the importance of ‘please and thank you’, of saying ‘excuse me’, or ‘may I?’ and from the start we have attempted to explain why. We talk about caring for others feelings and respect for other people’s needs (for those of you who don’t know we are both teachers of non violent communication so our boys have an eclectic pair of role models!). We explain the pleasure that sharing our gratitude for receiving something or for someone doing something for us can bring. We explain that we can make our talking; kind and gentle by putting manners into our words.
In the most part, by no means always, our boys get it; would a repetition and refusal to give anything without a please work as well? I guess, but for me and my belief that we are not here to inflict our power on our children for the sake of being in control, but to assist them to learn the values, morals and actions that we believe will equip then for their lives ahead, sharing a reason is a small step to take to share that respect for another means letting them know why.
What do you think?
With love
Gill
