This morning I packed the bag for my boys, the dog and I to spend the day at the beach, a beach that is 10 minutes from our house. I managed to collate three big bags of ‘stuff’, enough to be asked by my neighbour as we head out, if we are moving! Maybe it was the first aid kit, 3 bottles of sunscreen and the UV tent that did it?  Realising the absurdity of my attempt to balance the said bags whilst cycling two boys in the bike caravan, I unloaded everything I did not rationally need. (I left the waterproofs and wellies, the antibac wipes and hand sanitizer, the Calpol, Sudacrem and 7 nappies for two boys who would be in trunks all day!) And we had a great hazard free day by the sea.

One question I get asked frequently, by mums at every stage of their child’s life, is how to handle; the over controlling, the fear of hazards, the ” but what ifs…”

Starting in pregnancy with; “What if I lose the baby? What if the baby has a challenge I can’t handle? What if I’m not a good mum? “

To mums with children at every pioneering stage; “How to leave my child at a friend’s for the first time? How to be strong for the first day at school? Their first night away? Going out with friends to town? Catching the bus alone to school? University?  Their child’s first partner, first job, first holiday away?”

At each and every stage of our children’s lives we have to find a way to resourcefully manage the abject terror of what could happen to our precious charge that we can’t control. For me it was the list of potential hazards, heartbreaks and hiccups a day at the beach could have caused.

When asked, the the first thing I do is ask the parents what characteristics, as if they were a fairy godmother  given 5 wishes for their child’s personality would they choose? It is in the majority having;

 “Courage, determination, being fearless, independent and emotionally strong.”

 It is rarely, if ever; cautious, fearful, afraid.

If you know my work by now, you will know I strongly believe that our children grow and learn from what they see in us, in our behaviour not the words that we tell them.

“What we desire our children to become, we must endeavour to be before them” A Coombe

If being brave, fearless, independent and strong are personality attributes we wish for our children the truth is that they will need to start seeing those attributes in us.

When we hold them back, overly fuss, over protect or cling to our children for fear of what might happen, what our children feel is;  yes, on one level protected and safe, very important for them but when we push it too far all they feel is our fear…the world is not safe, not kind, not ok.

We need to find the place, as best we can, where we can allow our children to fly and fall down knowing that they can always find mum when they do need to be picked back up, either physically or metaphorically.

For me, the best test of how rational your fear or worry is, is to calibrate it as if you were meeting a few mums for a coffee. Imagine that you are sat with a few of your fellow mums and you recount the latest fear you are facing with your pregnancy, child or teenager. Ask yourself what their calibration and opinion would be of what you are worrying about? Are you being over protective? Is there a middle ground that gives independence and safety? Are you actually right to be cautious and the adventure can be put on hold for a few more months? Is your fear grounded in reality and you need to seek help? Acknowledge the opposing thoughts that others may have and re-calibrate your decision from that place, if your child is old enough work out the calibration together.

Next time you are awake at night worrying about your baby or child, packing 3 bags for a day out, saying no to your child’s request for freedom, spending hours worrying about the “what ifs” or saying no to your child’s behaviour  more than yes, ask yourself ? Am I rationally approaching this worry or have my ‘what ifs’ skewed my ability to see the reality? Actually in this case should I let my child experience and yes potentially fall, but let them see that being brave and adventurous is a great way to live life!

As with all my blogs, drop me a line if you feel strongly about what I’m saying…

With love

Gill