I ask them first to stop and step back, to look at what they have right now and find the benefits the positive things they are grateful for in their lives before they start. In seeking the new, in searching for what you want to be, you must have some element of understanding of where you are and how you got there.

For me this became very personal in the last six months. My book was launched I had 100% positive reviews, great PR and awesome feedback. And yet a sense of failure sat within me as I wasnt living all that I teach. I worked with many mums on their ability to juggle their lives and begin to find themselves again after struggling with being just ‘mum’. And yet financial necessity, poorly boys and my immune system giving up after 4 years of not enough sleep, led me to over commit, get run down and lose my ability to be grateful for what I have. The more I gave away of my time, the more run down I got. I was coaching people on finding their energy their joy and I was losing mine, and fast.

I set a goal of re-discovering my health vitality and fitness in 2012, but first needed to take stock of how I had got to where I was.

Breaking habits, life long ways of being is possible, but it is not instant or simple. My habit was to do too much, get run down and get poorly. I needed to step by step follow my own goals and start giving myself space and time to balance all the work.

One thing 20 years of workng on belief change have shown me, promises of instant permanent results will NOT WORK! You need to systematically work out what you want, why you haven’t managed to get it already, and what it is that stops you from getting it now. Only by being aware of the barriers we create for ourselves can we overcome them.

For me it is a sense of failure, I am afraid to fail. You will know that I encourage you to overcome your fears, lean into them and face them full on, now it’s time for me to do that yet again. I want to be fit and healthy, filled with vitality and to have confidence in my ability to stay well.  I’m afraid of more work, more effort and more exhaustion, when I know in reality more exercise and healthier eating will actually create more energy. So I have to after 20 years of failed diets,  get over my fear of failing and give getting fit and healthy a go.

My personal barriers are; “Oh its winter, too cold to go out and exercise, I like my warm comfort food.” “I’m not obese or terribly un-fit it will wait.” “What if I try and fall at the first hurdle, it’s easier just staying as I am, I’m not that unhappy…” We can talk ourselves out of anything, and fast. We can find a justification/excuse lie to make us feel better and not change. Only by finding the lessons that our inability to achieve before, can teach us ,can we move on. I am! I am truly grateful for a body free from disease, able bodied and well, but I am not healthy and full of energy and my body deserves that.

So, before you embark on your “New You for 2012!” Ask yourself, honestly, what has stopped you achieving your goals and dreams in the past, be grateful for what those reasons and fears brought you and then with me, move forward one step at a time towards where you want to go.  Keep me posted and we will start with a newer version of us this year.

I know that this is the world facing many, if not all of us today and it at times seems to fly in the face of my coaching and teaching which is to endeavour to meet our own needs as mums as well as the wider ones of our partners and families.

Financial pressure, the bottom line reality of needing to pay the bills that our lives create, mean many of us are making decisions to live in roles that do not seemingly follow our dreams, hopes and plans for ourselves. They are what we ‘have ‘ to do we have ‘no choice’. For human beings a sense of powerlessness, loss of control and loss of choice is not only challenging emotionally and for our sense of self, it can potentially be challenging to our health. Causing stress, anxiety, and leading us to escape from the monotony or hardship with; alcohol, sugary, fatty comfort foods, caffeine or switching off from life into reality TV, a cyber existence or into other form of escapism that allows us to forget our lives for a few hours. If this is combined with allowing our partners to take chances, fulfil ambitions and leave the potential times of monotony of everyday parenting and managing a house it can also mean; resentment, jealousy and sadness.

Whilst researching human potential and emotional resilience over the years I have learnt that having purpose in our lives, having choice and some personal power is essential to maintaining emotional and mental equilibrium. So finding purpose within the times when life feels out of our control is essential.

So sat here at my computer, having made the difficult decisions, given my childcare their notice, putting my courses and programmes on hold, facing at least a year of long days with my boys, embracing all their triumphs and challenges whilst spending my evenings promoting my book, developing my programmes and attempting to find ways of earning enough money to re-build my self belief and esteem.  Whilst supporting Al as he strives, works every hour there is away from us across the country earning money, building his career , allowing him to have a chance to fulfil his dreams, get us financially to where we want to be and bottom line, pay our bills at the same time.

I do know that without the rain you can never see a rainbow, I have said to clients for years that the sense of success and satisfaction is far greater when you have faced adversity and overcome it, but this doesn’t feel like adversity to me, it is just what has to be, needs must, there is no alternative. I guess in life even after all the learning and teaching I have done a phase of just getting on with life, working full out for my family, supporting my husband in his business and holding on tight to my dreams, getting the jobs done and making the most of them is a new learning experience. Learning to be ok with an everyday that would not be my first choice and knowing that is how it must be.

I don’t do this with a sense of martyrdom or regret, bravery or excitement just acceptance, my reality is this for now, fighting that would just create pain, and that is a choice all of its own. As a family we have faced far graver, more frightening, mentally and emotional hardships than needing to work really hard, Al away in the workplace, me at home with our boys, hour by hour day by day to get on track.

So here I sit, planning done, ready for action, starting to get the jobs done and attempting to enjoy finding purpose, satisfaction and choice in the everyday things that build and create a future.

My challenge is to do that without trying to escape, (well the odd glass of wine and show on telly aside) to stay on track and keep my energy up through the long tough times until I can re-start my career ambitions again. To get through the rain, not thunder storm, not hurricane but the everyday rain and finding in each of those steps a rainbow for my family and I and times to dance in the sun when we can.

I’ll keep you all with me, please share with me how you all keep going through the tough times too. I am endeavouring to get the forum back up soon.

Love as always Gill

A large part of my work is to teach others how to clearly understand their needs as Mums and women, and then how to make clear requests to  children, work colleagues, friends and family to help get those needs met. I take a lot of time with the adults I work with to endeavour to explain why I am making request or asking a certain question, so why is it I don’t always remember to do the same for my children?

On our daily dog walk to the beach today we again faced the joys of splashing, and throwing handfuls and spades full of sand in the air. After my third failed attempt to ask my youngest to stop throwing sand at his 4 year old brother, I watched my eldest sit his brother down and explain that if sand got in his eye it would really hurt and mean we would have to go home, instantly the throwing stopped and peace was resumed.

It reminded me of how often we require an action from our children and we forget to explain why to them, getting annoyed when they do not comply.

As I undertook my training as a mediator, I studied the dynamics of why communication often fails, for a large part it is where one person in a conversation, has single minded analysed a situation, worked out an outcome and then asked the other person to fit in with their plan.  Not sharing, their needs, feelings, understanding and logic and certainly not remaining open to a different outcome.

If you think of the analogy of a rocket flying to the moon, only the very top of the rocket actually lands on the final destination but it took two thirds of the vehicle, now jettisoned into space to get it there. We often do the same in a conversation or when asking someone else to do something for us. If we just let others see the final outcome, they will interpret or translate the gaps from our statements or request into their view of the world. In the mind of a 21 month old like my son that would most likely translate as “I can’t throw sand because Mummy doesn’t want me doing what I want to do again”. Only when the true reasoning behind my request was shared by his big brother did it all make sense to him and he happily complied.

I am not advocating that children should always be given the reasons why something is important or necessary ,required behaviour, however my experience is that when reasons are given for something needing to happen and explained logically and rationally, often a child who sees the sense in the explanation will understand and learn why something is important, even as young as my 21 month old.

Manners is an interesting example of this; Al and I have drummed into our boys from the very beginning the importance of ‘please and thank you’, of saying ‘excuse me’, or ‘may I?’ and from the start we have attempted to explain why. We talk about caring for others feelings and respect for other people’s needs (for those of you who don’t know we are both teachers of non violent communication so our boys have an eclectic pair of role models!). We explain the pleasure that sharing our gratitude for receiving something or for someone doing something for us can bring. We explain that we can make our talking; kind and gentle by putting manners into our words.

In the most part, by no means always, our boys get it; would a repetition and refusal to give anything without a please work as well?  I guess, but for me and my belief that we are not here to inflict our power on our children for the sake of being in control, but to assist them to learn the values, morals and actions that we believe will equip then for their lives ahead, sharing a reason is a small step to take to share that respect for another means letting them know why.

What do you think?

With love

Gill

One question I get asked frequently, by mums at every stage of their child’s life, is how to handle; the over controlling, the fear of hazards, the ” but what ifs…”

Starting in pregnancy with; “What if I lose the baby? What if the baby has a challenge I can’t handle? What if I’m not a good mum? “

To mums with children at every pioneering stage; “How to leave my child at a friend’s for the first time? How to be strong for the first day at school? Their first night away? Going out with friends to town? Catching the bus alone to school? University?  Their child’s first partner, first job, first holiday away?”

At each and every stage of our children’s lives we have to find a way to resourcefully manage the abject terror of what could happen to our precious charge that we can’t control. For me it was the list of potential hazards, heartbreaks and hiccups a day at the beach could have caused.

When asked, the the first thing I do is ask the parents what characteristics, as if they were a fairy godmother  given 5 wishes for their child’s personality would they choose? It is in the majority having;

 “Courage, determination, being fearless, independent and emotionally strong.”

 It is rarely, if ever; cautious, fearful, afraid.

If you know my work by now, you will know I strongly believe that our children grow and learn from what they see in us, in our behaviour not the words that we tell them.

“What we desire our children to become, we must endeavour to be before them” A Coombe

If being brave, fearless, independent and strong are personality attributes we wish for our children the truth is that they will need to start seeing those attributes in us.

When we hold them back, overly fuss, over protect or cling to our children for fear of what might happen, what our children feel is;  yes, on one level protected and safe, very important for them but when we push it too far all they feel is our fear…the world is not safe, not kind, not ok.

We need to find the place, as best we can, where we can allow our children to fly and fall down knowing that they can always find mum when they do need to be picked back up, either physically or metaphorically.

For me, the best test of how rational your fear or worry is, is to calibrate it as if you were meeting a few mums for a coffee. Imagine that you are sat with a few of your fellow mums and you recount the latest fear you are facing with your pregnancy, child or teenager. Ask yourself what their calibration and opinion would be of what you are worrying about? Are you being over protective? Is there a middle ground that gives independence and safety? Are you actually right to be cautious and the adventure can be put on hold for a few more months? Is your fear grounded in reality and you need to seek help? Acknowledge the opposing thoughts that others may have and re-calibrate your decision from that place, if your child is old enough work out the calibration together.

Next time you are awake at night worrying about your baby or child, packing 3 bags for a day out, saying no to your child’s request for freedom, spending hours worrying about the “what ifs” or saying no to your child’s behaviour  more than yes, ask yourself ? Am I rationally approaching this worry or have my ‘what ifs’ skewed my ability to see the reality? Actually in this case should I let my child experience and yes potentially fall, but let them see that being brave and adventurous is a great way to live life!

As with all my blogs, drop me a line if you feel strongly about what I’m saying…

With love

Gill

This time last week I was sat in the paediatric intensive care unit with Jake my youngest son, wired up to machines fighting for every breath. I had spent three nights holding him against me in our steamy bathroom as he fought his way through croup, his little body getting more worn down with every breath and cough. I watched him battle with his fear, pain and his total confusion at what was happening. Finally Jake and I needed help and we were rushed to HDU for him to be supported until his body was strong enough to manage on its own… A week later he is running, dancing, climbing and singing, scrabbling with his big brother and full of life. He has moved on from the pain, the fear and the confusionWhat amazing lessons our brave children can teach us…

Both my sons have had potentially life threatening health challenges in the last month as well as the usual weekly winter bug fest. At times it has been hard to find a sense of meaning and hope, to see the positives in every situation. Day to day life as a Mum can be pretty relentless on normal days, but more often than not the joy of a chocolaty kiss and hug a giggling fit or a walk on a sunny day rights the balance of parenting. Some days it doesn’t.

What I have learnt from watching my sons is that one lessen we may have lost as adults is the ability to let pain go and move on.

My young sons can be bereft, filled with all consuming grief and pain one minute and the next be bright, alert, excited and filled with joy. They don’t have the cognition to hold grudges, they don’t hold their misery at not being allowed a biscuit or that it is time for bed, to make them grumpy for days, they move on fast.

I call this skill gaining a response-ability. We can build an ability to manage our responses to events that impact on us negatively and prevent un-resourceful feelings staying with us all day, for some of us for weeks, months or a lifetime.

As Carrie Fisher says; Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

By carrying around the “unfairness, futility, resentment, anger and pain” from an event you hurt no-one but yourself and those around you. By carrying fear, pain or anger at the challenges life has given you, all you do is carry a heavier burden into the future trials you face.

I won’t live the rest of my life, worrying at every cough that the boys have that their airways will collapse as Jakes did last week, every time Josh vomits that he has an internal blockage again, I choose to leave the madness of the last few weeks behind and move forward with the belief that life will be painted with many colours some dark and some light but I will never carry the dark, the pain the worry for longer than I really need. To remain strong and brave for my boys and myself I have to face each challenge, fresh, clear minded and resourcefully, I can only do this be letting go of the “whys, worries and what ifs…”

There are many techniques to help leave unnecessary worry behind, if you are not finding what helps you on the site or in the book excerpts please contact me and I will share some that will work for you.

With love

Gill

Last year a friend of mine lost her mum and it’s her words that lead my blog today, what was most sad for her is she said that her mum always seemed “stressed, dissatisfied, disappointed with life.”

What would your children be saying, or thinking about how you lived your life?

If there is any part of you that feels you have lost yourself, disappeared into the to-do lists of being a mum. Busy making ends meet and getting your children to where they need to be; fed, clothed and safely. A little lost in the day to day tasks that life as a mum creates, then if you do nothing else for you, please take 5 minutes and stop; ask yourself how you would feel if you did, die today?  

Sorry, it is morbid I know, but it brings home a message I discuss with mums every day;

Your children learn how to live their lives by watching you live yours!

From the full time housewife, the executive who is gaining joy and satisfaction from their work to those of us who have bills to pay and need to work, our children learn to live by watching, learning and copying the way we do.

You do not need to buy my book to start working out how to find more happiness and satisfaction in the way you live, use the exercises on the site, the life planning tools and start to work out the first simple step.

What makes you happy?

What one simple thing could you do today… for you?

What would bring you joy…not from your children, that is meeting different psychological needs, but JUST for you?

Sadly, I add one important caveat, if your first intuition is: watching the TV, with a glass of wine and Facebook open on your lap…ask yourself, is that a NEW activity, just for you that will truly bring you joy? If so enjoy!! :lol:  Or is that your default evening setting and what on autopilot you sink into doing on the majority of nights? In which case, my guess is your potential feelings of dissappointment with life will not be lessened by doing what you have done many nights before…however tempting that last glass or Facebook may seem

Simple very inexpensive examples from other mums are; asking someone to stay with the kids after bed tonight and going out this evening for a walk along your favourite high street, just looking in the windows, not needing to buy or do anything but enjoy the walk. Go for a swim, alone, having time to shower and dry your hair having gently exercised. Take a book to a late evening coffee shop and just read, not being interrupted by anyone else. Or print off the exercises and start to look at how you are living now, and clarify that you are happy with it, or find some small changes you may like to make. One is making just a little more time for you, so you do not seem “dissatisfied or disappointed with life” to your children…

This time last week I was at the funeral of my father in law; Allan. He had finally lost his brave and long fight against cancer. He died surrounded by his family all the people who loved him. At his funeral his friends, family, colleagues and employees came to pay their respects to a man who had done pretty much everything in his life that he had said he would do, and many more things besides. He had no time for putting something off until tomorrow, he truly ‘went for it’ in everything he did.

As a legacy to him, I am sharing his philosophy today, if you are not living the life you want; why not make this the time to start working out what would make you feel better? Let your children start loving life the way their mum does…

With love Gill xxx

As I healed from my challenges as a new mum, I revisited the resources and exercises that I had learnt and taught over the years in my corporate career. Mindset tools, programmes and exercises that benefitted me and other leaders to cope with the challenges and stresses of leadership. I searched for a way to translate corporate development tools into step by step programmes for real mums. Mums who are not afraid to say they find it hard sometimes and are willing to look for help to move forwards.

Life hands us many challenges; amazing and exciting, scary and daunting, overwhelming and extraordinary. From the outside others may see them as insurmountable, from the inside we all find a place within ourselves where we get through.

In the last year I have met many; brave, strong, sad, depressed, positive, courageous mums, each living and facing their own excitements and challenges as best they can and aiming to find a way forward for both them and their loved ones.

One thing we all share is the moments of doubt, the feelings of overwhelm, of being so far outside of our comfort zone that just one more step seems too much. The responsibility of having tiny human beings lives that depend on our ability to ‘get it right’ can be beyond daunting…

And yet, because we are mums and our children look to us for leadership; we do get up and take the next step, even if it is tiny. We pick up our lives, hold onto our children and start again. The drive of living the values we believe in, creating love and happiness for the people we love motivates and strengthens us when everything seems too much.

I appreciate all the words of admiration for writing the book, I am proud of my achievement and I do hope my book brings solace, support and a sense of purpose and direction to many mums. What I am most proud of is being a mum at a time when mums are starting to share their fears, say when they are overwhelmed and look after themselves, knowing that their strength is what allows their children to grow up to be brave and strong and to have the best chance of happiness.

I am also incredibly grateful that so many of you have shared your experiences with me, to allow me to make the exercises and work come alive and share your learning with many other mums.

So next week I will celebrate the publication of Love You Mum; but in the name of every mum who helped make it happen. And especially for all of those mums I have met who have faced the worst of times and are back up and moving forwards for themselves and their loved ones. You are the amazing ones; you are my inspiration, you and every mum who keeps going with love and hope. Keep taking those steps, one at a time. With my love Gill x

I spent my life believing that I was a fairly truthful person, being honest was a very important value to me and I respected it in others. As I grew as a coach, I started to examine the area of truth in depth, particularly the truth of how we speak to ourselves; I realised that I was often a very proficient liar, let me explain.

In the past a typical example in my house would have been; Alec had agreed to be home by 6.30 to help with bath and bedtime so that I could get to a much desired girl’s night out. At 6.20, having texted twice to remind him of his commitment, he is not home and my self-talk (my lies)have started.

“He knows tonight is important to me, I deserve this night out, he better not be late”…by 6.29, my supportive, hardworking, loving husband has been, within my mind at least, demoted to a selfish, mean, heartless caricature who “never” gets home on time!” When at 7.00 he is still not home, his phone is off and I’ve not heard anything the voice changes tack, suddenly I am imagining calls from the police or a hospital, “Al would never be so late when he knows how important this is to me, he must have been in an accident, crashed or been abducted by aliens”… (Maybe not), but you get the idea.

What is critical is that the self talk, was based on a concoction of bits of the truth, Al is rarely home after the time he says and will always where possible phone if he is going to be late. The fiction, the story that I believed, was created from few facts and lots of exaggerations or lies. What makes this critical is that had Al walked in at 6.31 (1 minute late) he would have walked into either a storm of anger or even worse a stony silence and the cold shoulder of passive aggression at his “selfishness”

Not only can we create lies in our minds, we can believe them and then act upon them. So in our life we could (frequently) be treating the people around us with actins and responses built around the exaggerations, caricatures or lies we have created about them and not the truth. To add to this we are also talking to ourselves about ourselves based on lies or at least a distorted view of the facts most of the time.

This is the core learning within my work and I will continue in my next blog to examine, how to start working out whether how you are feeling and acting towards those around you and yourself is based on the truth or a bunch of lies…

I have not undertaken New Year’s resolutions since I saw the statistics about how many of them have faltered within the first six weeks.  If you are committed and really succeeding I will not disillusion you with the data, keep going and ignore my cynicism for short term goals.

If however you are reading this a little frustrated or disappointed in your ability to commit to your resolution take heart!  Forgive yourself and know that your brain physiology, science, has actually been involved in hijacking your well intentioned plans. The reason short term, spur of the moment objective setting often fails;  is that your belief in them, or your need to succeed does not outweigh your need for things to stay the same…yes really!

We have an amazing system within our psyche that finds a multitude of reasons for things to stay as they are, you keep a place of knowing and equilibrium it is part of a mindset I call comfort Zone Island.

An example might be a new healthy eating plan, with a goal of weight loss for the summer.

With just willpower, you will soon find your mind playing tricks on you; inner voice statements like:

“Oh the summer is month’s away, start next week”

“It’s my/my partners/my Mums/my friend’s birthday”

“Oh it’s been a horrendous day I DESERVE something nice”

Initially you may be consumed by guilt, annoyance or disappointment in yourself, either resolve to get back into your resolved new action the next day, or lapse into a “I’ll start next week” mentality and of course from there the …”Well I can’t actually start this week as its school holidays in two weeks and I can’t follow this new plan then…” kicks in.

The comfort zone programming is very strong and takes a number of strong mindset steps to start to motivate your-self to escape them and achieve real change…

Working out how to want to change more than you want to stay the same is essential in ensuring that any plans you put into action for yourself work.  This requires you to have a very honest discussion with yourself.

Start with this exercise:

Think of the last goal you set, but had to abandon, ask yourself?

• What positives would achieving the goal have brought you?
• What perceived ‘hardships ‘ would you have had to undertake to achieve the goal
• Could you ever (really) visualise yourself achieving that goal?
• Why do you believe you would never (really) achieve it? (If you don’t instantly know why keep reflecting and eventually your inner psyche will give you the reason)
• Was your goal set for a short time of your life or was it a complete lifestyle change, forever?

So for me as we head into December and our focus turns to our celebrations, I am choosing to focus on both gratitude and giving, leaving the world of perfection and expectation behind…

My thoughts are:

First get rid of any ‘expectations’ about how Christmas ‘should’ be and concentrate on the values you want for your family this Christmas. For me it is not a perfect tree and a five course gourmet meal for 20, it’s; love, laughter, relaxation and fun for Al, my boys and me, for you it may be different. But do ask yourself if Christmas is about ticking every box on the to-do list or taking a deep breath, relaxing and realising what is important? Be kind to yourself, ask for help, and say no to the things that are just too much. Know what is significant and special for you and your family, which obligations are essential and enjoy those, without over stretching yourself.

Secondly Christmas for me is about giving, what can I do over the next few weeks to teach my boys about the magic of giving rather than just receiving? I know the benefits of giving are huge for our sense of self, what a wonderful thing for our children to learn too.

This encompasses a sense of gratitude for all that we have. As I wrap and seal each gift I will remind myself how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I choose gifts for and that I am here to share Christmas with them. The gifts may not be as expensive as in previous years but they were selected with love and thought, and that is what I want to send this year.

That other families not only have financially less than us, they are facing Christmas without members of their family that they love. Hold onto your family and give them all an extra hug for the joy of just being together. Yes there may be tension, arguments, tantrums and strops but that is family and how wonderful to have; family.

Instead of struggling and stressing through all the preparations,  if we keep an awareness of how lucky we are to be, shopping, cooking, decorating and wrapping for our family’s, then it can be a joy rather than a set of tasks. Know that no matter how little we can afford this year financially, we can see Christmas as a gift of time together and a reminder of all the joys we do have in our lives. I do live in the real world, of course extra work brings challenges, but we are here, alive right now and able to do all these things, and for that I for one am extremely grateful and glad.

The psychological benefits of facing any set of tasks with joy and gratitude  is immeasurable, as are the memories we give our children of  this family holiday being about giving and gratitude, fun and laughter not perfect houses, meals and well executed to do lists…so December, Christmas preparations and to do lists, I embrace you